My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
