Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
