this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
