there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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