I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
