I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
