im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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