did you get engaged???
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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