Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
