yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
