My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
