Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
