Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
