Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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