Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
We got so high we made milksteak
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
