I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
