I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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