when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
