If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Randomize
