so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize