I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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