I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
