She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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