this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
either way he was missing a nipple.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
