I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
i think my cat just said my name.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
