Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Randomize
