So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Randomize
