my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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