i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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