i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
