I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
