JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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