I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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