The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
