Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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