My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Randomize