Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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