mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize