i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize