I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Randomize
