I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
My ass is underappreciated
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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