so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
