I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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