I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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