I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
