Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Randomize
