Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
