I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
