I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
