When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize