you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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