they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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