I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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