Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
