We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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