Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
