just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I wish life had little blips of pornography
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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